Before You Ask to Be Understood, Know Yourself First
Marcus Aurelius once wrote, “Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.”
That line always stuck with me.
I’ve spent long stretches of time alone. Geographically. Emotionally. Professionally. It never bothered me. In some ways it helped. There was no one to impress, no need to perform. Just space. And in that space, a person either learns who they are or they go looking for someone else to tell them.
Over the years I’ve noticed how many relationships fall apart under a kind of quiet pressure. Not the explosive kind. Just a slow collapse. One person leans in a little too hard, hoping the other will carry what they haven’t learned to hold on their own.
It’s not malice. It’s weight.
The Weight You're Handing Off
Most people don’t mean to make someone else responsible for their peace of mind. But it happens all the time.
You meet someone and it feels like clarity. You feel steady. But often, that feeling is relief. For a moment, the pressure you’ve been carrying doesn’t feel like yours alone. And without realizing it, you start to hand it off. Not through words. Through need. Through expectation.
At first, it feels like closeness. But slowly, it becomes burden.
Look at The Odyssey. Odysseus spends ten years finding his way home. Not just across oceans, but through every challenge that strips him down to the core. He returns to Ithaca not as a man needing rescue, but as one who knows who he is. Only then is he ready to reclaim his life with Penelope.
That story has lasted for thousands of years for a reason. He couldn’t return sooner. Not because of the sea, but because he wasn’t finished yet.
That’s what I see most. Not mythical trials, just people trying to come home too early. Hoping someone else can carry what they haven’t faced alone.
Time Alone Isn’t an Obstacle
Solitude gets treated like a waiting room. You’re single, so you must be waiting for someone. You’re quiet, so something must be wrong.
But time alone isn’t a gap to fill. It’s a proving ground.
It’s where your defaults show up. Where your excuses lose traction. Where you figure out what matters when no one’s watching.
It’s not glamorous. There’s no audience for it. But it’s where you build the kind of stability that doesn’t rattle when things get hard. A man who’s spent time in solitude doesn’t panic when the noise stops. He doesn’t grab for the nearest distraction. He knows how to hold steady.
That’s not a trait you’re born with. It’s something you earn by not rushing through the silence.
Stop Asking for What You Haven’t Earned
Everyone wants to be loved well. To be understood, respected, chosen. That’s fair. But the ask often comes too early.
People want depth without stability. Presence without self-control. Trust without consistency.
That kind of ask feels small in the beginning. Just a little reassurance. A little patience. But over time, it becomes something else. You’re not asking to be seen anymore. You’re asking to be held together.
If you want someone who brings calm, you should know how to create it. If you want loyalty, you need to be reliable. If you want peace, you can’t live in emotional chaos.
These are not conditions. They’re reflections. Most of what we want from someone else is the thing we’ve put off building in ourselves.
Don’t Hand Off the Job of Knowing You
No one else can tell you who you are. That’s not their role. And if you force it on them, it becomes a weight they were never meant to carry.
A partner can stand beside you, support you, believe in you. But they can’t be your identity. They can’t carry the load of self-respect or clarity. That work is yours.
You don’t have to be perfect. But you do need to be solid. A man who has done his own work doesn’t come to a relationship looking for completion. He comes with something worth sharing.
Because when you know who you are, you’re not looking for someone to fix you. You’re looking for someone who sees you clearly and chooses you anyway.
When the silence shows up, what does it reveal about you?